The only one that's stopping you from getting more DJ gigs is you
+ How to recognize self-sabotage
Are you struggling to get DJ gigs and feeling like you’re not good enough and/or not doing enough to put yourself out there? You’re not alone! Ask other DJs if this is something they struggle with, and you’ll hear a resounding yes.
You want to feel satisfied, so how will you handle it?
Merely pushing through the feeling is not a good direction to take. What does that even mean, “pushing through the feeling”? Like it’s something to push so hard against that you’ll make it through eventually? You shouldn’t even be using that kind of language when it comes to your feelings or yourself. Feelings are not meant to push through. Whoever told you that gave you shit advice. Feelings are meant to be felt, witnessed, honored, accepted and given a place.
What’s actually going on here, is that you’re resisting change. Here are 4 signs to help you tell for sure and what you can do instead.
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1. You ask for help, but you’re not ready to listen. You’re just full of excuses
Once you get to a point where you feel like you’re really putting yourself out there, but getting nothing back, you decide you need someone to help you sort this out. However, whenever someone offers a different perspective or suggestions for you to try out, you’ve got an excuse at the ready as to why it won’t work. It can sound like this: “That’s just how it’s always been done here.”, “The scene doesn’t work that way, it never has.”, “I’m just not getting any replies back so what can I do?”
The problem here is that you unintentionally come across as a know-it-all who’s not receptive to solutions. You claim you want help, but really, you’re not ready for it. You’re asking questions, and as soon as you decide you don’t like the answer, you’ve got some sort of comeback or you state some vague fact as to why this isn’t happening for you.
Another issue is that you’re probably asking the wrong questions for you. Meaning, if you know you won’t really care about the answer that’s likely to come, then don’t ask the question. Respect other people’s time and attention so that you don’t appear as being resistant to new info. You’re actually wasting people’s time - and your own, by asking questions that you know you don’t really want an answer to. If you’re not ready, don’t ask. You’ll just pass up on every chance to change your situation. You’ll decide you don’t like what you hear and you’ll deny yourself every opportunity to accept help. You’ll only add to your feelings of frustration and there will be no clarity on what your next step should be in order to get more gigs and feel satisfied with the number of gigs you’re booking.
What can you do instead?
Respect your own timing. It’s ok if you’re not ready yet. Just be aware and trust the process. If you do decide to get help before you’re ready because you want to step outside your comfort zone, recognize that you may be resistant to anything that comes your way and own up to it. Start the conversation with something like, “Hey I need some help and I recognize I may not be happy with what I’m about to hear, so I’m asking you to bear with me here”. This approach can make a world of difference in the conversation.
2. You’re shooting down every alternative solution that’s being presented to you with “but”.
“Yes, but…”, the ultimate sign of resistance! Each time you use but in a sentence, you completely undo what has been said before the but. Using the word ‘but’ signals that what you think is the most important part of your message is yet to come. However, we rationally respond doesn’t matter because our emotional response is to ignore everything that comes before but. Instinctively we recognize that what comes after, is what we should pay attention to.
When someone offers you a piece of advice or a suggestion and you reply with “Yes, but…”, you’re demonstrating to that person that you think what they just said is horse shit and that what you have to say is more important. Advice-giving in such case becomes pointless. You’ll find conversations like that easily abandoned.
Not surprisingly so, considering you’re coming across as unreceptive to other people’s input. The words ‘yet’ and ‘however’ can have the same impact, though it may be more disguised than ‘but’.
What can you do instead?
Replace ‘but’ by ‘and’.
Example: I have a plan in place and it’s not getting me to where I want to be, so I’ll [fill in the best next step you can take].
Be aware of when you’re using ‘but’ and use it to emphasize the positive.
Example: I haven’t heard back from people yet, but, I’ll follow up with them again in a few days.
3. You get defensive when presented with new ideas.
In this scenario you’ll say things like “I feel like I’ve tried every possible route”, and “I’ve tried everything”. You’re not where you want to be, you don’t get the gigs you want or you’re not getting enough of them. Clearly, you have not tried everything. Besides, it’s impossible to try EVERYTHING. Imagine for a minute what that would look like.
Have you spoken to every promoter in your area at least twice? And in person?
Have you considered teaming up with other DJs and/or start throwing your own parties?
Did you master the superpower of stopping time until you’ve recorded enough mixes that’ll last you for the rest of the year so that you can promote the shit out of that shit whilst having time to do all the things?
Did you blame Mercury Retrograde for all the miscommunications and ghosting in your inbox?
You can’t have tried everything because there’s no such thing. Also, you can’t know everything about everything so how can you know you’ve tried everything?
What you’re really doing here is resisting new ideas. Deep down, you fear you’re just not good enough or you’re not doing enough. And instead of facing THAT fear, you shoot down alternative solutions that come your way. It reminds you of how little you think of yourself and how you think you’re not good enough.
You’re sticking your head in the sand and you’re not trying out new avenues, because you fear that each time you will, you’ll get turned away, rejected or worse, not liked.
What can you do instead?
Accept that you can’t please everyone and that it’s impossible to be liked by every person you encounter. Your choice of music probably won’t go down with a billion other people either. All you really need, are a few people who you resonate with, a few dozens, hundreds or maybe even thousands who love seeing you in action, who love to support you and you’re golden. Don’t compromise on your music selection if you don’t want to and remember that building something takes time.
4. You’re inventing things to avoid what’s important: your mindset.
How you really think and feel about yourself determines your choices, your actions, and your results. Intentionally or unintentionally, mindset is everything! When you think you’re not good enough, that can bring up fear about putting yourself out there. So you don’t consistently put yourself out there (enough). You keep yourself busy with other things so that you can have a false sense of moving forward. And the result is that you’re still not getting more gigs.
If you’re not satisfied with how many gigs you’re getting, you need to realize that you’ve chosen to be in this situation because you’re holding on to certain limiting beliefs about yourself. Instead of owning up to that and handling the real issue, you’re pointing blame elsewhere - the promoter didn’t get back to you, that’s the way the scene works, your day job is taking up too much of your time anyway, you were out partying last night - too busy numbing your feelings, and today you’re too tired to be bothered with anything, and so on.
What can you do instead?
Consider what you can change and what you can’t. This all boils down to what you can or cannot control. Here’s a hint: your mindset is something you absolutely can control!
Need help figuring out why you’re not getting more DJ gigs?
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Let’s continue the conversation!
I would love to hear from you! How are you self-sabotaging and what will you do to get unstuck? Share in the comments below and let me know!